Your Guide to the Senate Races

Connecticut
Joe Lieberman (I) vs. Ned Lamont (D)
Lieberman is known for two things: being the most boring man in Congress and for being Dick Cheney’s bitch. Lamont is an unknown rich guy who wasn’t doing anything else and thought being a Senator would be pretty cool. Despite all the hoopla for Lamont among the internet crowd, Lieberman will win with Republican help and support from George Bush. Interestingly, Lieberman’s middle name is Quisling. Lamont has been endorsed by both Grady and Aunt Esther.

Florida
Bill Nelson (D) vs. Katherine “Tits” Harris (R)
Nelson’s biggest claim to fame is that he actually flew on the Columbia space shuttle, which later blew up, two weeks before the Challenger, which also blew up. Harris was Florida Secretary of State and helped steal win the 2000 election for Bush. Her Daddy owned a lot of orange trees and Harris vowed to spend it all to win this seat. That is, until she read the polls and suddenly discovered that she couldn’t get her hands on all that money. She definitely has the best tits in the race, but her face is stretched tauter than a bungee cord with Oprah Winfrey tied to the end. Lots of surgery. Bush and his buddies were happy to have her steal the race for them, but they have let her twist slowly in the wind even though she says that Jesus has endorsed her. That Jesus, not the one from Miami. Democratic.

Maryland
Benjamin Cardin (D) vs. Michael Steele (R)
President Lincoln kept federal troops in Maryland during the Civil War to keep the state from joining the Confederacy. Steele is an African-American. You make the call. Cardin.

Missouri
Claire McCaskill (D) vs. Jim Talent (R)
Talent is living proof that God has a sense of humor when it comes to family names. He opposes abortion, supports the NRA, opposes homosexual rights, and clerked for Richard Posner, the only federal judge nuttier than Anthony Scalia. He also opposes stem cell research and has the support of John Ashcroft, the attorney general who spent $14,000 of taxpayer’s money to cover up the exposed breast of a statue of Justice. McCaskill is divorced with three kids. Her former husband was murdered a couple of years ago. The crime is unsolved, but Rush Limbaugh claims that Michael J. Fox is a suspect. I visited Jefferson City, the capital, earlier this year. A regular Eden right here in America. Toss up, but I am guessing McCaskill.

Montana
Jon Tester (D) vs. Conrad Burns (R)
Burns may be the dumbest person in Congress. Think about that for a moment. So far in this campaign he has been revealed as being Jack Abramoff’s bitch, has said that firefighters were doing a “piss-poor” job fighting forest fires, insulted Guatamalans, Italians, and called an Arab a “rag head.” He also confronted a woman with a nose ring and asked her what tribe she was from. In 1991, he was quoted as saying he was going to a “slave auction” after a vote on a civil-rights bill. Prior to becoming a Senator, Burns announced feed and cattle prices on AM radio. He has the endorsement of the Aryan Nation and is one of President Bush’s strongest supporters.
Tester wears a crew-cut, has a big beer belly, and is a trained butcher. The uncle I am named for was a butcher, as was my grandaddy, so Tester has my vote. He is now an organic farmer and probably grew some of that stuff you paid too much for at Whole Foods. Toss-up. A lot depends on the Aryan Nation turnout, but buffaloes are eligible to vote in Montana, and since most Democrats are vegetarian, wine sipping, communists, they tend to vote Democratic. Tester in a close one.

Ohio
Sheldon Brown (D) vs. Mike DeWine (R)
Brown was an Eagle Scout. My nephew was an Eagle Scout, and he ain’t got sense enough to get in out of the rain. DeWine has actually compiled a pretty good record for a right-wing Republican reactionary fascist, but he is going down in this race. Democratic unless it gets stolen, which in Ohio is a distinct possibility.
The Ohio governor’s race features Kenneth Blackwell, a crazed Republican African-American widely credited with stealing Ohio for Bush in 2004 while serving as Secretary of State against Ted Strickland, whose theology degree and previous work as a prison psychologist counseling criminals has marked him for eternal damnation according to James Dobson. Strickland’s campaign platform includes purchasing a new Winnebago for use as the Governor’s Mansion. The state capital moves to Lakeland, Florida each November and returns in April.

Pennsylvania
Rick Santorum (R) vs. Bob Casey (D)
Sonny Boy Casey’s claim to fame is that his Daddy was governor and died before anybody could get around to hating him real bad. Santorum is best known for his outspoken attempts to get Terri Schiavo voted the state vegetable for Pennsylvania. I don’t know about you, but my gaydar goes up real high when I see this guy. Very outspoken opponent of homosexual rights, big time catholic family man. Yeah, probably so. Also forgot that he was supposed to live in the state. Casey by a bunch.

Rhode Island
Lincoln Chafee (R) vs. Sheldon Whitehouse (D)
Today on C-Span I heard a call from a former Republican Governor from New Mexico who urged people to support Chafee. He said that the way to cleanse the Republican party of bad Republicans is not to get rid of good Republicans like Lincoln Chafee. No, but it is a helluva start.
Chafee became a Senator when his Daddy took a sudden dirt nap while serving in the Senate and the Governor mistakenly signed an appointment letter instead of a sympathy card, but Junior gets sent back to his chosen profession of blacksmithing in this race. Democratic, but I thought there was a law that no one named Sheldon could get elected. I thought they passed that law after The In-Laws came out.

Tennessee
Harold “Mandingo” Ford (D) vs. Bob Corker (R)
Corker made a ton of money building drive-in windows at Krystals. Undoubtedly, this has been the sleaziest, most racist campaign in modern history. The biggest issue has been whether Ford dated white women, and Corker’s radio ads contained tom-tom drums when they talked about Ford. Corker’s ads also made large of the fact that Ford went to an Ivy League school instead of the University of Tennessee, where the main requirement for getting a diploma is to drive through Knoxville with your windows down. Pictures of Corker’s daughter open mouth kissing another woman actually helped him when his response was to say that the other woman she was kissing was her step-sister. They like to keep it in the family in Tennessee. The polls say it is tight, but it remains to be seen if Ford can steal enough votes to offset the Diebold electronic ballots, but I say the racist Republican is going to win. Trivia Question: Where was the KKK founded? Bingo. Pulaski, Tennessee. People from Tennessee only like African-Americans if they are wearing shoulder pads and helmets with a T on the side or can shoot the three.

Washington
Maria Cantwell (D) vs. Mike McGavick (R)
Cantwell won her first election by over 2,000 votes, made a ton of money by starting Real Networks, and lives with her mother. McGavick scored a 0.17 on his breath analyzer test back in 1993 and walked away with $28 million in severance pay from Safeco in violation of his employment contract. Interestingly, he did not have his car insurance with Safeco despite being CEO, choosing instead to insure with IMDrunk, an insurer specializing in high risk clients. Democrats will sip latte all the way to victory on Tuesday.

Virginia
James Allen (R) vs. Jim Webb (D)
Allen is a racist, redneck, football loving type of guy, what in Mississippi would be called a liberal Republican. The highlight of his campaign has been to call an kid of Indian origin Macacca, which is the Tunisian Jewish version of calling someone the N-word. Allen’s dad was coach of the Washington Redskins and the Los Angeles Rams before that, building a solid reputation of doing less with more talent than anyone else in the league. His mother was a Tunisian Jew, but Allen claims not to have known this. Allen played football at the University of Virginia, where teammates said he used the N-word liberally, and stuffed a dead deer head in the mailbox of a black family as a prank. In high school he wore Confederate flag shirts and displayed a confederate flag in his law office, attended meetings of the racist Sons of Confederate Veterans, and kept a noose handing from his coat rack. Yessiree, this guy is a liberal Republican who is “soft” on civil rights. No wonder he was being mentioned as presidential material. Allen is also a draft dodger.
Webb is an acclaimed novelist, served as a Marine in Vietnam, is a recipient of the Navy Cross, the nation’s second highest medal, and was appointed Secretary of the Navy by President Reagan, resigning in protest when cuts in the Navy fleet were proposed, citing his principles. He opposes our war in Iraq, but his son is currently serving there. He is a dangerous liberal bent on overthrowing the government and imposing a Stalinist state in America. His military service to his country marks him as a dangerous deviant and totally out of sync with mainstream Republicans. His election would be a profound threat to America. Webb.

Comments

[Allen Maxwell]

I'm confused -
Did you take the time to write all this editorial because you've confused anyone on earth with someone who cares?

Seriously - entertaining witticisms, but your site needs more photos and book lists

[Allen Maxwell]

also - please tally and post your hit percentage on the mid-term races